Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
