MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
