Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
