do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
