This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
