Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
