Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
