i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dick very happy bro
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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