This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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