cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize