So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
