You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
