Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just invented taco cereal.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
