my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
