Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
