I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
