I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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