shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize