I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
