I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
