my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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