My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
