I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you didnt know i had herpes?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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