maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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