So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
