we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
