it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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