FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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