I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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