I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I looked at my own cervix.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
