I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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