i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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