dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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