Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
