for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
