I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
