I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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