Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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