So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
