Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize