Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
