Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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