in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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