hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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