I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
