I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
