Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
