Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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