You smell like stripper and shame
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
