The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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