From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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