I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
