chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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