Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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