the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
