I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
