Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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