for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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