i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
