Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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